I wrote a blog last week but didn’t post it. You’re welcome. After re-reading it I realised that that was me then. But its not me now. It was full of expletives and outrage and was basically a stream of hormonal verbal diarrhoea that I won’t subject you to. Especially at the most wonderful time of the year when we should be talking about elves & presents & fairy lights & the sweet sweet smell of pine trees in your home!
So needless to say, now that the hormone Pregnyl (seriously, FUCK YOU Pregnyl) is out of my system, I feel MUCH better. It was a dark, dark time in my life. I accidentally killed a spider and cried. The house was a little messy and I cried. I couldn’t open a jar of jalapeños and I cried. I watched terrible Netflix Christmas movies (but FYI A Christmas Chronicle – amazing piece of Netflix production!) and guess what.. I cried. My husband was confused. My dog was scared. My family were worried. And I absolutely hated myself!
On top of the emotional side effects of this devil drug that supposedly makes my uterus cushy but my personality putrid: weight gain (3 kgs in 2 weeks), bloating (I genuinely looked 7 months pregnant), ovaries hurting like a mofo & being constantly tired (anything so much as a glance at my weights and yoga mat made me feel weaker). But the silver lining, and there is ALWAYS a silver lining, is that it only lasted a couple of weeks (excl. the weight!). Only to do it all again this month!
I think it’ll get easier. I think I’ll learn to adapt like I always do. I know what to expect now, and maybe next time (and yes, unfortunately there’s a next time) I feel the crazy bitch inside me quickly rising to the surface I can make a detour to the Thai massage place, or just lock myself in my room for an hour and bash it out into a pillow or something. But seriously – what do people do when they’re hormonal to ride it out? Are there techniques? Please don’t say meditation, anyone who has been in a hormonal fit knows it’s really not possible to sit still and contemplate yourself in a fit of rage. But I need something other than alcohol to sort me out! One excellent way to let out the rage is to attend a ‘screamo’ festival in a dustbowl in 30 degree heat. And that’s exactly what I did!
Anyway, onwards and upwards! I’m trying to ignore the fact that my pants are all starting to cut into my balloon of a stomach, now is not the right time to worry about that, especially because of the added temptation of Christmas. I’m trying to focus on the fun things in my life, of which there are plenty! Although I have to say I have never experienced anything remotely close to anxiety or depression until this year. There is a little ball of something in my stomach, it feels tight & hot & like it could take over my whole being any moment. But for now I’m managing to keep it down below & exude a cheery glow on the surface. I can’t ignore it, but it’s manageable for now. Apologies to everyone for when it takes over my person in the coming months… !
All I can say is surely pregnancy will be a fucking breeze after this! I think I just jinxed myself. Oops!