Today I felt joy for the first time in 2019. So far this year has been filled with uncertainty, anxiety, sickness, sadness & guilt. I know these aren’t the emotions you should associate with being newly pregnant. And don’t get me wrong, there have been moments of happiness & gratitude. But after going through fertility treatment, I always thought the only emotion I’d feel when it worked, was joy. But nope.
I used to feel joy regularly. On my walks to work. In my lunch breaks when I’d find a spot by the water in this beautiful harbour city I live in. With my friends & family. Cuddling my dog. Snuggling my husband on the couch. But that’s the thing about being sick, it takes away the ability to feel anything but a need to survive. And there are women who experience this for the full 9 months. I honestly don’t know how they do it. But I guess that’s the whole point of this future-parenting thing, you learn how to survive.
I feel like all I’ve been doing for the past 3 months is waking, regretting waking, trying to get through the day with as little interaction with people as possible & eating constantly (only out of necessity). Then finally when the whole day has passed, slowly and painfully, that blessed thing – sleep. They say when you’re depressed you just want to sleep all the time. Is that what this is? Because when I’m sleeping I’m not feeling. I’m not feeling sick, or down, or guilty that I’m feeling down. I’m just at peace. And I sleep constantly. In my lunch break. When I get home. Whenever I can.
I’ve never been through anything more horrible in my life. I keep thinking of my brother who had to go through chemo, as well as a pretty horrible surgery, and how awful he must have felt (thank god he is now ok as a result!). And then I feel guilty for complaining, because ultimately, this is a positive nausea. It’s normal, healthy & a sign that something great is about to happen.
But today, I woke up feeling ok. I decided to walk to work. I put on some high-energy tunes and suddenly that feeling of joy came rushing back! I smiled in relief! I felt so positive that my ability to be happy hasn’t been taken away, it’s just been on pause for a few months, I’ve been the un-dead for 10 weeks. But now I’ve been brought back to life. And I know the nausea isn’t completely gone, it will return. But it’s fading. At almost 14 weeks, it’s finally leaving me. And I’m ready to be myself again. To any of you who have gone through this, or worse, my heart goes out to you. I had no idea how terrible it would be. I thought I would feel slightly ill every now and then, but grateful for the reminder that there was still something growing inside of me. This was not that. This was hell. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.