This morning it took 3 attempts to draw blood for the start of my monitoring. After failing, they told me to come back at lunchtime. I must have had 50 something blood tests this year, and I still suck at it. I have tiny veins and as soon as the phlebotomist has trouble finding it I get fainty and all my blood rushes to my internal organs. This happens about 6 times a month. It never gets easier and it is the single most frustrating part of getting fertility treatment (dildo cam come at me!). But it is what it is, and I will keep doing it until I get this damn baby so help me God!
I told my nurse at lunchtime that its actually a good thing in a way, because the blood tests make injecting myself daily with drugs seem easy in comparison. (I’ve recently started injectable FSH, more on that later). She said to me, ‘Um, yeah, I guess. It’s good that you can find the positive in this! You really are the most positive patient we have at this clinic!’ And laughed. And then I realised something. I am really positive. I’m a glass-half-full kind of person, and although I have my moments, in general I think I’m coping pretty well. It probably doesn’t come across in this blog as its kind of my outlet, but anyone who knows me knows that I can always see the light in any dark tunnel. I often don’t like to throw this affirmation around, because I know many people struggle to stay positive when shit things happen, and I completely understand, I still get to some dark places. Also no one likes a peppy bitch singing ‘Always look on the bright side of life’ and whistling as she stops to smell a rose and pat a puppy (I do this on the regular). But I think I need to be more proud that my best asset is my ability to adapt quickly to whatever challenge is thrown my way, and try to see the silver linings. I realise how lucky I am that I’ve even been able to fall pregnant in the first place. That I’ve managed to find a partner who I love and adore and want to have children with. That I’m (mostly) healthy, have a great family, a few amazing friends & live a privileged life in a beautiful city. I wish I could bottle this shit up and spread it around, spray it like Fabreeze, because it really is so handy to have optimism when shit hits the fan. I wish I could give it to the people I love most who’ve had to deal with cancer, loss, anxiety & depression, so much more than I’ve ever had to go through. I only hope that some of my disposition has rubbed off, or helped them in some way.
So to anyone who’s going through this, or any other challenge in life, I hope you can find your silver lining. There really is one on every cloud.