“Everything worked out fine!” – future me
I wrote this letter to myself just after miscarrying. Going into the ultrasound, watching the sonographer’s confused face & hearing her silence was one of the saddest days of my life.
I didn’t take any time off work. I didn’t feel that I needed to. I had a day off for the D&C and that was it. I had a really good cry with my husband after the procedure, drank a lot of wine (probably not super safe post-op, but whatevs!) ate McDonalds, which is unheard of for me, and I don’t regret it for a second! I spent the whole weekend hanging out with my best friend & partner, this is the first time we’d ever gone through something so sad on equal terms, we were both as devastated as each other, both as invested. We let ourselves be sad for a full 48 hours…and then the next week, we were good.
I think we’ve figured out how to grieve really well. We’ve had a lot of sickness & loss in both of our families, I guess you could say we’ve had a bit of practice. But we’re also talkers. Some of our best therapy is over a bottle of wine after a stressful day in our kitchen, hashing it out! We take the time and space to be really sad, talk it over with friends or family, and then feel better. We told a lot of people we were pregnant, and although I was worried I would regret it later, it was so nice to have a big support group around us when it didn’t go to plan. I think I would have really struggled if I had to keep any of it inside. Although lets be real, I never keep anything to myself. Ever. Its a problem!
It felt good to picture myself in the not-too-distant future, reading back on this and remembering that yes, it was tough, but many women go through this every day. One of the things the fertility specialist told us, is that the next pregnancy will be an anxious one. It won’t be the same. It will be harder. So I thought I’d try to convince my future self to try and enjoy it. Let’s see if it works.
To my not-too-distant & pregnant self – see! It happened again! You can sigh with relief. And even though you might want to delay telling a lot of people early this time, DO NOT FEEL ANXIOUS ABOUT THIS! Remember how great it is to be pregnant. Talk about it, come up with names, make plans. If you miscarry again it will 100% suck, more than the last time, and protecting yourself won’t work. Just believe that this will be it! And if its not, you have more sleep ins and wine and you’ll try again and it will work. You’re not in a rush, you’re not too old, life is good and you’ll be ok.
If you have bad days, yes it sucks, but remember how happy you are that this has worked, that you don’t have to go and get blood tests almost every day, you don’t have to worry if its going to work or not. The sickness will fade and you will enjoy this time of your life. Take personal days, recover, look after yourself. Don’t be tough, ask for help.
Most of all, enjoy each day as it comes & know that you’re not doing this alone.